


Fate/gay whatever: Unlimited Fanfiction Works

by Nemesis_Adrasteia



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Awkward Relationships, Bad Sex, Bodyswap, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cake-Related Awfulness, Crack, Drabbles, F/F, M/M, Non-Drabble Ficlets, Off-Screen Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21857962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemesis_Adrasteia/pseuds/Nemesis_Adrasteia
Summary: A chronicle of the incredibly sexy adventures of the Master of Chaldea and her many Servants.
Relationships: Fujimaru Ritsuka & Fujimaru Ritsuka, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Anne Bonny/Mary Read, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Hassan of Serenity | Assassin, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Heroic Spirit EMIYA | Assassin, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Medea | Caster, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Sessyoin Kiara, Irisviel von Einzbern/Arturia Pendragon | Saber
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	Fate/gay whatever: Unlimited Fanfiction Works

**Grails Are for Waifus**

"Soon, my love," Ritsuka murmured, taking a break from frantically trailing kisses up Medea's arm in the style of Gomez Addams. "Soon I will have enough grails to make you the most powerful Caster in the universe."

"Yesssss," said Medea. In that instant, the usual evil gleam in her eyes became approximately 62% more evil. It made Ritsuka's heart do an Irish jig. Somewhere off-screen, Kiyohime emitted a sob.

"Uh, Ritsuka?" Dr. Roman interjected. "I hate to crush your dreams, but even fully grailed I don't think Medea would be quite as powerful as Sol-"

"SILENCE, YOU FOOL!" Ritsuka barked.

***

**1 Samuel 18:27**

Grinding for materials was a real slog sometimes. Ritsuka knew it would all be worth it in the end, though. Medea was worth all the grinding in the world. Just the thought of her beautiful waifu finally having the perfect 10/10/10 skills she deserved filled Ritsuka with joy.

Still, that didn’t mean she couldn’t complain about the process.

“Man, these things sure are a pain to get,” she said, gesturing to her pitifully small pile of dragon fangs.

David laughed sardonically. “You think _this_ is bad? LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I HAD TO COLLECT TWO HUNDRED FORESKINS.”

***

**Kiyohime Feeds the Swear Jar**

Raikou and Kiyohime were glaring at each other in a way that only two yanderes can glare at each other. It was pretty scary.

“You can’t take Master from me. We are destined to be together,” said Kiyohime. “Besides, I was here first.”

“That is of no consequence,” said Raikou. “Nothing can come between a mother and her child, especially not a pathetic little lizard like you.”

“Bitch, I will fucking _end_ you.”

“What a filthy mouth you have. Shall I wash it out with soap?”

“YOU’LL HAVE TO DEFEAT ME IN COMBAT FIRST!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

They leapt at each other and began to have a battle of epic proportions. Neither of them noticed their Master sneaking off to make out with Hassan of Serenity.

***

**Hassan of the 99 Problems But This Ain’t One**

“Okay. I’m ready. I am absolutely 100% prepared for this moment. Give it to me!” said Ritsuka.

“What,” all of the Hassans except Serenity said in unison.

Ritsuka made a confused face. “Aren’t you guys going to give me the shovel talk?”

“What is shovel talk?” asked Cursed Arm.

“Well, I’m dating your homegirl Serenity, so now you get to make a speech like, ‘if you ever hurt her I’ll beat you with a shovel’, that sort of thing,” said Ritsuka.

“Nah,” said Hundred-Faced Hassan.

“I do not care,” said King Hassan.

“Actually, I would be happy to give you my blessing,” said Cursed Arm.

“Oh,” said Ritsuka.

“I can beat you with a shovel if you’d like, Master,” Kiyohime said sweetly.

“No thank you.”

***

**Chaldea Summer Memory: Deleted Scene**

“I can’t believe Blackbeard ruined our spelunking expedition _from beyond the grave_ ,” said Ritsuka. “What an asshole!”

“Technically everything we Heroic Spirits do is from beyond the grave, but I get what you’re saying,” said Mary.

“I know what’ll make you feel better! Let’s do a different kind of spelunking,” Anne said while wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“Sure, why not,” said Ritsuka.

Somewhere between Mary’s knee accidentally bumping her in the eye and Anne’s elbow accidentally jabbing her in the ass, Ritsuka decided that having a threesome was something that sounded fun in theory but was really annoying in practice.

***

**The Bodyswap Episode**

A mysterious fog had surrounded Chaldea and mysteriously caused all of the Servants to switch bodies.

“Master, are we going to do the frickle-frackle tonight?” asked Serenity, who was not actually Serenity.

“Nice try Kiyohime, but I am wise to your ways,” said Ritsuka.

“I’m not Kiyohime! I’m your other grailed Servant, Medea, who is currently in Hassan of Serenity’s body!”

“Medea is a mature woman who would never refer to sex as ‘the frickle-frackle.’ Now begone!”

Serenity, who was actually Kiyohime, stomped away in a huff.

Ritsuka sighed, then turned to Dr. Roman. “You’ve got to do something about this, doc.”

“I’m trying! Damnit Ritsuka, I’m a doctor, not a... bodyswap fixer guy!”

“Try harder, then! I’m starting to get seriously creeped out, and not just because of Kiyohime’s shenanigans. Jack calling me ‘mommy’ is cute when she’s in her own body; not so much when she’s in Gilgamesh’s.”

***

**And Now for Something Completely Different**

"Good news, everyone! I just banged Emiya’s mom," Cú Chulainn announced as he walked into the room.

"You did NOT!" Emiya said indignantly.

"Yeah, I don't believe that," said the other Emiya. No, not Emiya Alter; the _other_ other Emiya.

"Neither do I," said Arturia, which is definitely her real name, not Altria. "In fact, I know that you cannot possibly have just banged Emiya’s mom, because I was just doing that."

"Well, that's awkward," said Emiya. "Even though she isn't technically my real mom."

The other Emiya started crying.

"Does this mean I have two moms now?" asked Illya.

***

**♪Careless Whisper by George Michael♪**

After an intense Super Smash Bros. session, Kiara led Ritsuka by the hand to her bedroom, where she had prepared a candlelit dinner with lots of fancy expensive gourmet food like caviar and oysters and truffles and whatnot, and mood music courtesy of George Michael. Then for dessert there was the pièce de résistance; an exquisite triple layered chocolate chip cheesecake Kiara had baked herself.

Ritsuka was very impressed.

“You know, Kiara, when you invited me to play video games and have dinner with you I had my reservations, but this has actually been really nice. I’m sorry I doubted you.”

She took her first bite of the cheesecake.

“Wow, this is incredible!”

Kiara batted her eyelashes seductively.

"The secret ingredient is my bath water."

***

**Blackmail Is Such an Ugly Word**

“Perhaps you don’t recall, Master, but one of the conditions of you being allowed in the writers’ room was that you would refrain from doing anything that would irritate me while I’m writing. Such as, for example, that obnoxiously cheery humming you were subjecting me to just now.”

“Oh, sorry Andersen. I’m just excited because today is my birthday and Nobunaga says she has a special surprise for me! I have no idea what it might be, but knowing Nobu it’s sure to be something really cool."

“Happy birthday! Why don’t you treat me to a pint?”

“Andersen we both know you are not old enough to drink.”

“What a shame. I didn’t want to have to tell everyone about how you were tricked into eating Kiara’s gamer girl bath water cake, but...”

“Wow, would you look at the time? It’s rum o’clock! Let’s get you to a bar, kiddo!”

***

**A Very Special Episode**

“Now that Ishtar’s silly race is over, Sanzang, we must address the elephant in the room,” said Raikou.

“An elephant? Where? I’ll have to tell Karna, he loves those critters.”

“I am referring to your attire! It’s very immodest and not befitting a monk like yourself. As a defender of morality, I cannot permit you to parade about like that.”

“You’re kind of self-righteous, aren’t you,” Sanzang commented.

Suddenly, they heard a suspicious noise coming from the room adjacent to the one they were in.

“Did you hear that?! A suspicious noise!” Raikou exclaimed. “I’ve foolishly let down my guard! In this season of swimsuits and pool parties, who knows what debauchery lurks around the corner?! Your skimpy clothing can be dealt with later, Sanzang; right now, we must INVESTIGATE!”

“Alright, if you say so,” said Sanzang. She went and opened the door.

Inside the dimly lit room, Kintoki sat hunched over on a wooden chair. On the table next to him was a pile of void’s dust, which he had clearly been snorting up his nose like cocaine.

Sanzang shook her head sadly. “You always have all the answers, Raikou! Well, what’s your answer to THAT?”

“MY SON IS A **JUNKIE!** ” Raikou screamed.

The whole scene looked exactly like the cover of the classic 1971 superhero comic _Green Lantern/Green Arrow_ #85, with Sanzang as Green Lantern, Raikou as Green Arrow, Kintoki as Speedy, and magical purple cocaine instead of heroin.

The moral of this story is don’t do drugs.

***

**The Woes of a Former Harem Protagonist**

"Good news, everyone! Arturia is your new stepmom!" Irisviel announced to her children.

"Hooray!" said Illya and Chloe.

"Oh, joy," said Emiya.

Later that day, Arturia cornered Emiya in the hallway for a little chat.

“Look, I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I don’t expect you to call me your stepmom.”

“Awkward? I don’t know what you mean. This is fine. Absolutely fine.”

“You don’t seem fi-”

“EVERYTHING IS FINE. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO HIDE FROM MASTER BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON SHE KEEPS PUTTING ME ON THE SAME TEAM AS ISHTAR AND PARVATI.”

***

**A Tale of Two Gudas**

“Say, Mash, do you happen to know what the male version of me is up to? I haven’t seen him around much lately.”

“I’m not sure, Senpai. I haven’t seen much of Male Senpai either. Could it be that he was affected more than he let on when he found out people are angry at him for being the main character in all the anime adaptations even though most of the fandom prefers you?”

“Maybe. I guess we’ll have to talk to him about that once we find him. Right now, though, we should probably deal with the more pressing issue of those grails that mysteriously went missing from my inventory.”

_MEANWHILE, IN A SECRET, SECLUDED ROOM SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF CHALDEA..._

"Soon, my love," the male version of Ritsuka murmured, taking a break from frantically trailing kisses up Assassin Emiya’s arm in the style of Gomez Addams. "Soon I will have enough grails to make you the most powerful Assassin in the universe."

“Oh, joy,” said Assassin Emiya.

“Master, I hate to crush your dreams, but-” Holmes started to say before he was interrupted by Ritsuka’s startled scream of “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

***

**A Tale of Two Gudas: Aftermath**

It was a dark and stormy night, and within Chaldea’s designated Interpersonal Conflict Resolution Room an argument was taking place between the absolute last two people anyone wanted to be in there.

Ritsuka Fujimaru (the female one) angrily placed her fist on the Conflict Table, because she was angry. “I can’t believe you used those grails on Other Emiya without consulting with me. What the hell, me?! We’re supposed to be a team! We’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other!”

Ritsuka Fujimaru (the other one) angrily crossed his arms over his chest, because he was also angry. “You gave me no choice, me! You were going to hog all the grails for yourself!”

“What will I tell Serenity now?! I promised I’d take her to 100!”

“See, that’s what I mean! You already grailed Medea to 100! Why should you get to be the only me who chooses who we grail?!”

“Medea and Serenity are both my waifus! I have to max level both of them!”

“Oh, so that means I don’t get to use ANY grails?!”

Meanwhile, a large gaggle of Servants hovered in the hallway outside the door, acting like they weren’t eavesdropping even though they totally were. Except for BB. She didn’t bother to pretend she wasn’t eavesdropping, because she had no shame.

“This is all my fault,” Serenity said quietly. She looked like she was seconds away from bursting into tears.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Serenity,” said Mash. “Senpai and Senpai have just had a misunderstanding, that’s all. I’m sure they’ll find a way to work things out.”

Just then, the argument behind the door graduated to full-fledged screaming.

**_“MY WAIFU IS IMPORTANT TOO!”_ **

**_“YOUR WAIFU’S NP GAIN IS SHIT!”_ **

BB snickered. “Did you hear that, Emiya? Your dad is a waifu!”

“Please shut up,” said Emiya.

BB briefly considered Emiya’s counsel before making the executive decision to not shut up. “I wonder if the Masters will get soooooo angry that they’ll be overcome by passion and start making out. That would be funny.”

“I don’t think that sort of thing happens outside of terrible fanfiction,” said Medea.

“Oh, have I got news for you...” BB muttered.

“What?” said Medea.

“Nothing!” said BB.

Eventually the screaming died down, and not too long after, the door opened and the two Ritsukas stepped out.

“The conflict is now officially resolved,” the male Ritsuka announced to the assembled Servants. “We have reached an agreement regarding the grails. Move along, nothing to see here.”

“What HAPPENED, though?!” shouted someone in a trenchcoat and a fake moustache who may or may not have been Gawain.

“GIVE US THE JUICY DETAILS!” shouted someone else in an even baggier trenchcoat and even bushier fake moustache who may or may not have been Mordred.

“It’s not that interesting,” said the female Ritsuka. “We went on the wiki and checked out the schedule for the next two years and figured out how many grails are coming up so we could divide them equally between us. Assuming the NA server will get all the grails JP got, things should even out eventually.”

Once the crowd dissipated, the female Ritsuka approached Emiya.

“Emiya, remember how for a while you were kind of upset about your dad sharing your pseudo-mom with your ex-girlfriend, but then you got over it?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“So now that it’s come out that the male version of me is fucking your dad, are you still okay with us jokingly calling you our mom, or is that weird now?”

“I don’t even know what weird is anymore,” Emiya said dejectedly.

***

**Summer Hassans When, Though**

"Do you like my swimsuit, Master?" asked Serenity.

Ritsuka scrutinized the swimsuit. It looked exactly the same as Serenity's regular outfit, except it had a pattern of pink and purple flowers. Still, the splash of colour was a nice change of pace.

"It suits you," Ritsuka said suavely. "Get it? I said _suits_ , because it is a swim _suit_."

"You are so good at wordplay!" Serenity exclaimed.

"Not as good as you are at being beautiful," Ritsuka said even more suavely.

Serenity blushed.

Summer Jalter looked up from her erotic doujinshi and glared at them. "Get a fucking room, you two."

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who haven't seen the _Green Lantern/Green Arrow_ cover referenced in A Very Special Episode, here it is:
> 
> Now picture that with Sanzang, Raikou, and Kintoki.


End file.
